Chat transcript for Vance Degeneres (August 3, 2000) 
Moderator: 
Welcome to our chat room, Vance. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Thanks for having me, if in fact this isn't some 12 year old kid's idea of a joke! Actually the whole internet is a 12 year old kid's and Al Gore's idea of a joke! 

Moderator: 
First question.... 

Moderator: 
Last night Dick Cheney said Republicans would offer a stiff dose of truth. How do you think the Democrats will respond? Will they be equally stiff? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
I don't quite know what that "stiff dose of truth" is. The Republicans are trying to put a new, softer face on the GOP, and with that softer face, I guess it's the Teddy Roosevelt line, "Speak softly, but carry a huge nuclear arsenal!" It's interesting because apparently the way they've got it planned out is--"Good Cop vs. Bad Cop." Bush will be the "Compassionate conservative" and Cheney will walk behind him carrying the mace and the blow torch. Cheney is the bad cop in this. And apparently, Lynne Cheney may be the even worse cop! I didn't get to see her last night. We were busy doing, you know, a SHOW :) 

Vance DeGeneres: 
But I've managed to catch bits and pieces of the speeches over the last few nights. I was down at the convention on Tuesday. The correspondents are going down there on a revolving basis. 

slick willie asks: 
What is the general atmosphere there - white power celebration or compassionate idiocy

Vance DeGeneres: 
This is from Slick Willie, huh?? Maybe it is the president! I think it's a white power celebration with a dollop of compassionate idiocy thrown in on top. It's really the old Vanilla Ice Cream, which is the body of the GOP, and they're pouring Bosco Cherry flavoring on top :) 

Vance DeGeneres: 
And that would be their minority sprinkling, which is hoping to cover the sea of vanilla underneath. I actually had another thought... I liken this to the Wizard of Oz. It's almost exactly--the American public is Dorothy. The GOP is saying, we welcome the Tin Man, the ScareCrow, we even welcome the Cowardly Lion, and all the while they're also saying, "Pay no attention to the White Guy pulling the strings behind the curtain." 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Oh, wait can I make the American public Toto? No-- Bush is Toto! If you look at his expression, when he cocks his head... you can tell he doesn't quite get what's being said, yet he laughs anyway because he figures he's supposed to. 

Moderator: 
Is there still room in the Republican party for rich white college-educated men like me? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
LOL!! Oh boy... I think if youâre smart, you'll strongly consider joining the Green Party with Nader, who actually believe it or not is trying to attract conservatives! He's actually--I just read an article in the Weekly Standard--he's trying to say he's more of a conservative than many of the GOP, who are all about corporations, whereas the TRUE conservative is not! Iâm afraid that if you're a rich, white college educated young person--the door is locked on the GOP. They've got enough-- it's evident by all the minority school kids next to Laura Bush on stage. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
That's the future and it's a little foreboding because we found out later they were only there because she'd given them detention! 

April B asks: 
Last convention I thrilled to the beat of AL Gore's Macarena. What brand new dances can we expect this time, Vance?

Vance DeGeneres: 
I am hoping that at tonight's Bush acceptance speech he does a modified version of "The Elephant Walk·.[whistles] I think you're going to have to go with The Elephant Walk. If I were giving that speech tonight, I would enter to that song, much as Jackie Gleason entered to his theme song. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
The Democrats-- I think the best we can hope for is perhaps the non-moving pogo from punk days. The old up and down, the pogo except without the jumping. Then it won't make Gore look quite as foolish. And probably to the Ramones' "Rock and Roll High School." 

LiberalTarian asks: 
So... isn't George Bush TOO OLD to run? Even with a puppet-son??

Vance DeGeneres: 
LOL! It's hard to make a joke on a joke. George Bush I think is truly a kinder, gentler Bush than his son, who has the somewhat ridiculously distilled title of "Compassionate Conservative." What does that mean??? I mean should Al Gore call himself a "hardass liberal"?? I'm a liberal, but I'm a HARDASS liberal!

Vance DeGeneres: 
GW is a weak Kool-Aid version of his dad, who at least was giving us a thousand points of light. And his son will be lucky if we can light a few candles. 

Caroline asks: 
If you were running for president against Jon Stewart, who do you think would win based on looks and willingness to behave badly in office?

Vance DeGeneres: 
I will defer to Mr. Stewart on looks. I find him a handsome man who has already made People Magazine's 100 most beautiful people list! He also signs my checks. The willingness to behave badly...I might win that just based on the fact that he has more at stake. He's getting paid a heck of a lot more by Comedy Central than I am, and I can afford to be a goof off and a derelict in office. Jon, on the other hand, has a lot more to lose. So I've got him on that one. 

Moderator: 
Do you think this weekâs New York Times article about the Daily Show paid too much attention to the host? Isnât he just a figurehead, while you and the other correspondents do the hard work of reporting? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
These are tough questions! I fully agree with that one! Jon's the host but he's little more than a Jim Henson puppet-like creation. With his numerous witticisms carefully crafted by a crack writing staff! And also, I'm bitter that my name was only mentioned once. (I counted.) LOL. It's so exactly the opposite of that, really. 

belle asks: 
The Daily show held a press conference Mon. What do you think of the media covering the media at this event?

Vance DeGeneres: 
You know, I wasn't at the press conference. I got to Philadelphia a few hours later. I was in Milwaukee shooting a story about a heavy metal festival involving 100 heavy metal bands! *BTW, this story never aired. If you want to make sure you've got your story straight, you better not only cover it, but you better have several reporters backing you up. When it comes to the conventions, there is no mystery. We know that Bush is going to be the presidential candidate and Cheney his VP, so all the media have to do is walk around looking for any scrap that looks remotely entertaining. So unfortunately for our country, that scrap is the Daily Show. It's pretty amazing. But I mean, that is the reason for the huge media coverage. We're doing a very different spin on the convention. A lot of people are sick of the GOP "Compassionate Conservative" spin they keep getting. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Last night's coverage [showing all the correspondents trying to scoop each other with a piece of non-news] was a great idea but.·we thought it was going to work a little better. But we criticize everything we do. :) 

toryann asks: 
Do you harbor any secret fantasies about Charlton Heston? If so could you make them public now? PLEASE?

Vance DeGeneres: 
Secret fantasies about Charlton Heston?! My fantasy would be to one day wake up with Charlton Heston's voice. He literally has the Voice of God. So that's my ultimate fantasy. As an addendum, if he's ever shooting at me, my fantasy would be that his aim would be bad that day. 

pitboss asks: 
What story was Vance covering in Tulsa at a Wal-Mart? My wife and I saw him walking around the parking lot in a Campaign 2000 jacket and waved. He didn't wave back.

Vance DeGeneres: 
They waved and I didn't wave back??? I rarely wave to the "average person." LOL. I don't know what she's thinking... apparently she's never had a run-in with a national media celebrity like ME. LOL. I don't think Brokaw would have waved back, so why should I? I was covering Charles Dody, a presidential candidate who runs every four years. He must be about 75 now, and he chain smokes and has this hacking cough and wears this "Dody" cap and drives a smoke-spewing van that has "Dody for President" on the back, only the P has peeled off and now it says "Dody for resident." It was just a couple of months ago and recently we flew him into the show to shoot a piece for an upcoming political special. I really can't describe it... just try to watch it! 

aturner asks: 
Would it make your job easier/more fun with less-bland candidates? What if there were a Goldwater or LBJ looking the his partyâs nomination>

Vance DeGeneres: 
Absolutely, it would make our jobs a lot easier. It's tough when you basically have one candidate running for president. Gore and Bush are not that different really. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Well, one's taller. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
They both wear cowboy boots. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
We wish McCain had gotten the nomination. For one, he LOVES our show and we would have had total access. But he's an interesting and witty guy. Even Alan Keyes, who dropped out of the race recently, I disagree with his politics but he is by far the most intelligent candidate. His message is very concise and clear, he knows a lot of information about all the issues...but he's nuts. He'll never be electable. But we miss candidates like that. We had the most fun at the NH primaries, because we had such a wide field of insanity. As of right now, I think it is Bush's race to lose. I think he pretty much has the public snowed. I really do. Everywhere I go around the country, I talk to people about the race, and I swear it's 80/20 Bush/Gore. It's really a shame. Of course, we'll see when the Democrats put on their convention. Maybe they can turn things around. But... it's going to be a tough one for the Democrats. 

April B asks: 
I'm afraid to ask...any candidates you've come to like and respect after meeting them?

Vance DeGeneres: 
John McCain. McCain I think is absolutely a man of conviction and integrity. I think the reason he didn't want to run as an independent is solely due to his personal convictions. He wouldn't leave his fellow POW's in Viet Nam, so damn if he's going to leave the GOP. They've abandoned him and he knows that--but he's loyal to a fault, and that's probably going to cost him his political future. But he'll always have a spot on our show. 

pitboss asks: 
Why is the Republican plan of demonizing the last eight years working when the last eight years were so damn nice? Good economy, fun sleaze. They were great.

Vance DeGeneres: 
It's interesting that Cheney in his speech last night talked about the American public, asking, do you really want the next 4 years to be like the last 8? And I guess if we elect Bush/ Cheney, they're going to get rid of that pesky prosperity. Don't you worry, we won't have that pesky prosperity to bother us any more. That was ridiculous of him to say--the last 8 years have been a time of incredible economic prosperity for most people in this country. And the only thing the GOP has going for it is the fact that so many people just loathe Clinton. And Hillary! They just hate them. It's amazing. You certainly can't fault the economy-- it's just Clinton really screwed Gore with the whole Lewinsky debacle last year. And people associate Gore with Clinton, and it's made it impossible for Gore to get out of that shadow. 

April B asks: 
Why aren't we seeing more fist fights at the RNC? We were counting on you to start something, Vance.

Vance DeGeneres: 
If you send in $20, I will personally wrestle Newt Gingrich to the ground tonight. (Cash. No checks or COD's.) And for an extra $10, I'll slug Mo Rocca. And I'll throw in Steve Carell. As a two-for-one. 

Alan asks: 
Vance, how do you think the head to head Bush - Gore debates will go?

Vance DeGeneres: 
I think in all honesty Gore will win the debates. Easily. As stiff as he is, he's a good debater and he knows how to get under people's skin. Bush...I'm just hoping we get at least two good Quayle-isms out of him. If we get two per debate, Gore's got a shot. I've heard him say a few things that were close...but no Quayle. Very close, though. It's like, he's heading in the right direction, and then somehow he saves himself in the nick of time. I went to Midland Texas a few months ago, digging up dirt on Bush, and I talked to his accountant and a doctor that's his childhood friend, and we did find out that he did have cooties. That's the best we could get. He had cooties. That's not disqualifying in Texas. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
In Rhode Island, you're out. 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Are they still a state any more? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
I'm getting a page now that says, "What's going on?-- signed, Mo Rocca." I am sending back, "I just dissed you on a web chat." And·SEND. Let's see if he writes back. 

Pachydermatitis asks: 
Has Vance tangled with the religious right while in PA? How are they manifesting themselves this time around?

Vance DeGeneres: 
If I had a last name like "dermatitis" I wouldn't be asking those questions. I think you've got bigger fish to fry than the religious right. I came oh so close to Jerry Falwell. The REVEREND Jerry Falwell, Tuesday. Nancy Walls ran into him... 

Vance DeGeneres: 
wait... Mo writes back: "Excellent... wanna grab some lunch?" 

Vance DeGeneres: 
Anyway, Nancy caught Jerry Falwell, and I was thinking, if I had run into him, would I have introduced myself as Vance Degenerate? That's what he called my sister three years ago when she came out, thinking he was being clever. That's the closest we've gotten to the religious right. Steven Colbert ran into Gary Bauer and I haven't seen what he got with him. I don't think it aired yet-- it might air tonight or tomorrow. I think the reason that Gary Bauer got out of the race is because you have to be at least "this tall" in some states. It's like at the carnival, and when he went to register, he didn't meet the line, so out you go! 

April B asks: 
Which national media correspondent is most in need of a good spanking?

Vance DeGeneres: 
You really want to see Stephanopolous get whacked. I've never met the guy, he's obviously a bright man but you've got to wonder about his loyalty. If we have a cane imported from Singapore, he should be on the receiving end of that caning. He did a walk-past in New Hampshire-- when me and Mo and Steve were talking, totally unscripted, and Steve went, "HEY! HEY!!!!" We got very lucky in NH. We happened to be in the right place at the right time a lot. We had so much more access than here. The Republicans want the network news and CNN on the floor because they get straight coverage. With the Daily Show-- they're afraid of us. But we've got Bob Dole on the show as a commentator! He's an incredibly witty man, and if he had shown that wit four years ago, he might have gotten a few more votes. 

Alan asks: 
Vance, why don't you offer to arm wrestle Katie Couric and the winner gets the first interview with Bush after his speech? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
OK... I agree... I will arm wrestle Katie Couric. In fact, I'll go you one better. I will mud wrestle Katie Couric for the honor. Sheâs an awful kissy face. I just met her a few weeks ago actually, and she is a looker. She's very funny too. She's one of those people who is just made for television. She just comes across very friendly and open. 

mary asks: 
Speaking of your sister, is she getting involved in the election this year?

Vance DeGeneres: 
Honestly, I don't know. We've talked about the election. And I know she is concerned, as evidenced by the GOP protesters to Congressman Kolbe's speech. Incidentally, the protesters who took off their cowboy hats to pray...they actually almost really blew it. Their original protest was that they were going to moon Kolbe. But then someone pointed out--that may be EXACTLY what he wants.They would be playing right into his hands. So to speak. "OK Cowboy hats it is!" I have no idea how involved or not involved Ellen and Anne will be. 

Moderator: 
In his speech this week, John McCain concluded by saying he was haunted by the vision of what we might become. What was he talking about, and are you similarly haunted? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
LOL!!! That was perhaps the weirdest conclusion to what's supposed to be an upbeat speech I've ever heard! It creeped me out! I thought that was one of our best jokes last night actually. That he was quoting from the Republican's new campaign slogan. "Haunted by a vision of things to come." I think ultimately it couldn't be truer if we do elect Bush/ Cheney. I think we'll all be haunted by that vision of things to come. 

Moderator: 
Thanks very much for joining us, Vance. Looking forward to that hour long special on Friday. What can we expect? 

Vance DeGeneres: 
For one thing, you will see a fiery debate between Ben Stein and former secretary Robert Reich. Moderated by Jon. And then we'll also have correspondent coverage wrapping up the convention. Perhaps a big closing number. Musical, maybe I know we're trying to get the June Taylor Dancers but... 

Moderator: 
Great. Can't wait. And we're looking forward to Los Angeles.... 

Vance DeGeneres: 
This was fun! Thanks for having me.