The webcast w/Vance Frank and Jon

Transcribed by the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade

I wish this was still on the Comedy Central site. This was so great. I have it on audio tape though.

The things Vance says are in red

Frank: Hi and welcome to The Daily Show with Frank DeCaro. I have been waiting to say that for 3 years. I have, there have been 2 hosts and now its finally all about me. ( Vance laughs) Anyway, tonight we are actually at the millennium webcast for The Daily Show and you have all graciously clicked you mice and sent in lovely questions for these two men to my right, Jon Stewart and Vance DeGeneres. (clapping)
Vance: We have an audience.
Frank: We have a real audience, we have 7 people we dragged in from outside.
Jon: All these computer technicians just to make sure we don't get a virus.
Frank: So, anyway, we'll just start, shall we just start?
Vance: First of all, this on one of those little screens on the computer right?
Frank: Yeah, people are mostly in their, their shorts watching I would think.
Vance: Are we squished down or something to get us in that little box?
Frank: No, there are small boxes, small...
Jon: How many pixels?
Frank: I have no idea
Jon: Isn't it like TV?
Frank: It's sort of like TV, if it were really like TV I wouldn't be sitting here. So anyway, lets start. I have a question that might change the face of the world x five x nine, times five, times nine...
Jon: That's what we're starting with?
Frank: Yes, what did Jon get for Hanukkah?
Jon: That's how this is gonna go?
Frank: That's how it's gonna go, yeah
(laughter)
Jon: I didn't get this year
Frank: Nothing?
Jon: I didn't get anything... I got an ointment, for a little rash...but I don't consider that a gift.
Frank: a lovely salve...is not a gift.
Jon: A lovely salve, I didn't get anything, I should really look into that.
Vance: Did you give any Hanukkah gifts?
Jon: I really gotta do that too...is it over? (laughter) It's like 8 days isn't it? Wasn't it something about the oriolites? I am a bad, bad Jew.
Frank: So, Hanukkah merchandise has been marked down by half now...so I am assuming its near end but not over now
Jon: (While looking at one of Franks little blue cards) Here's the kind of Jew I am, last Passover, I celebrated with a meatball parmesan gyro.
Frank: Gimme that card back
Jon: That can't be right
Frank: All right, next question. Do you guys...
Jon: Vance, what'd you get for Hanukkah?
Vance: clunk (I think...)
Jon: From double butt Johnson...Is this a good web name?
Jon: From DevilMaker4000...
Frank: That's back here, we'll get to that.
Jon: Is it?
Frank: Do you guys get a lot of input about what goes on with the show or do you just go with what the writers write?
Jon: The show is completely improvised...
Vance: As far as I know, I've never seen a script and I've been on the show as long as Jon has...
Jon: Vance has a wonderful term for when we improvise, it's called, uh, what is it called again?
Vance: Funny make 'em ups
Jon: We do funny make 'em ups...like you...throw out a topic
Frank: Um, chocolate desserts.
Vance: Go ahead, give 'em the funny make 'em up.
Jon: I...it's gotta be a news topic, I can't...what am I gonna lead with a mousse story? Tonight on the Daily...
Vance: Chocolate desserts and Jesse Helms
Jon: Thank you. Tonight Jesse Helms...I got nothing
Frank: ate a chocolate dessert...
Jon: yeah...Do you really think about chocolate desserts? Do you think Charlie Rose thinks about that when he's interviewing?
Frank: If he hasn't eaten lunch...
Jon: Like, is my head turning into a torte?
Frank: Okay, Next question...Where does TDS, or the daily, they're getting familiar with it, find all those oddballs you interview? Is there some kind of website or do you just visit the inbred capital of the US to find them? That's from Robby Yancy...Robby Yancy
Vance: Robby Yancy
Frank: Robby Yancy
Vance: Well Mr. Yancy, if that is your real name, we have a whole research department, and field producers. And they scour the Internet, that thing that we're magically coming through right now, and newspapers, and everywhere else. And they, they find, these-
Jon: these people
Vance: these people
Jon: you know what's sad? I wouldn't watch this. Isn't that sad? And I'm in it.
Frank: What we're on now, or the show?
Jon: yeah, if, if I am one click away from pornography, there's no way I'm watching this. If I am one click away from someone fillating a dog, you think I'm gonna turn this on? You think I'm going to watch me talk about whether or not we improvise?
Vance: But this is, this is pay-per-view, this thing we're doing right now...
Jon: (To Frank) So let me get this straight, food and sex. That's why you're here.
Frank: So, speaking of food and sex, if you were stranded on a desert island for a week and are allowed only one type of canned food, one magazine, and one record album, predating 1980,that's important, what would they be? And that's from Farrah.
Jon: Well, clearly I'd want the type of can that pops open, the record album, I don't know. But the magazine definitely has to be something about how to build a ship out of stuff you find on an island.
(laughter)
Vance: Good answer, good answer Jon.
Jon: You know, building a ship out of some canned food and an LP. (laughter) I'm not big on the party game questions, are you big on the party game questions?
Vance: No...no, but how about the album thing. which would you...my album, I'm gonna say Elvis Costello, "My Name is True."
Jon: See, now ten people just got really upset out there...Elvis Costello? Now there's an entire web page devoted to how you're wrong. It's like you can't have an opinion without everyone jumping in, don't you think?
Frank: I should say a chorus line, probably.
Jon: Oh my God...Now I should say Fiddler on the Roof for God sakes. I mean, we're all stereotypes to a certain extent.
Frank: (mumbles something about Nirvana albums and chaos) They would be shocked if that were the truth.
Jon: You know the people that asked these questions aren't going to watch this tonight, there not going to be shocked. There's a new episode of Ally McBeal tonight, they can't watch this.
Frank: I need to believe that I'm that important, sorry.
Jon: And can I say that the new half hour version...really, really gets to the point. Much better.
(laughter)
Vance: You're discarding a question already?
Frank: Oh I don't like that one.
Vance: (chuckling) I don't like that one...
Jon: Maybe we should go through these before...
Frank: I did look at 'em. All right. Comedians tend not to be funny once they get married. With your impending marriage, are you worried about losing your sense of humor? Are you sure you want to make a sacrifice like that just on the off chance of marital bliss? That's from Victor Bank.
Jon: It's an interesting...you know scientifically, there's an actual reason for that. In the walls of the vagina, (laughter) this is something I read in Science Times...there's what's known as, an umm...
Vance: capillary?
Jon: ...capillary, and what it does is...most of my jokes are written on my penis, and uh, I don't know. I got nothing.
(laughter)
Frank: Written on or written... ?
Jon: Oh, I'm sorry, written by...
Vance: What about Mr. George Burns and Gracie? They were married, they were no less funny.
(three way mumbled conversation)
Jon: Do you think it'd really make you unfunny, to finally be in a relationship? I think it's better for me, I don't drink as much so I actually get work done.
Frank: I think happiness is a comedy killer don't you think...
Jon: It's the whole idea that comedians have to be miserable or insane to be funny, it seems like, like a misnomer.
Vance: I think, I think you're thinking of music, you're a musician, and you suffer...and actually you do write better songs...
Jon: It's all bulls---t anyway. It's always in the arts. You never see accountants, you know, pull that on their...I'm sorry, if I don't do the pills, I can't do the math. (laughter) It's just complete artifice, oh it's an artifice of people in this business who can get away with doing drugs at parties...
Vance: Yes...yes! (and yet again) yes! (clapping)
Jon: You know what, how do you explain your wife walking in on you while you do blow of a Colombian boy's a$$...(laughter)...without saying "Hey, I don't do this..."
Frank: Why ruin a good thing? Why tell people this...just say yes I'll be happy...
Jon: I apologize...
Frank: Do you think that American news has become more of a form of propaganda or is it just me? Are the voices in my head transmitting by the radio in my fillings? Sam Donaldson
Vance: Sam Donaldson...
(laughter)
Jon: I'm sorry I didn't get the fillings part.
Frank: Well, you didn't see the Partridge Family episode, apparently...Do you think that American news has become more of a form of propaganda or is it just me?
Jon: (looking at Frank's jacket) Is that camel hair?
Frank: I'm like Eddie Munster, I only get one outfit to use. Are the voices...(laughter) Now I have to start from the beginning.
Jon: I saw Eddie Munster, I just have to bring this up, I saw Eddie Munster about 5 years ago, and uh, my honest to God first reaction was as they announced his name, as he walked on TV, my God, what happened?!
(laughter)
Vance: Did he look like Eddie Munster still?
Frank: Did he tell you?
Jon: No, no...
Frank: He looked more like a woof-woof doll (Eddie;s doll he carried around on Munsetrs) that you'd carry around though...
Vance: Wolfie, wolfie
Jon: Yeah, mine's broken...so, now, what'd you say?
Frank: I don't know...we'll go to something else. My Health Ed teacher told us that kids who do drugs are four times more likely to have sex than those who didn't. I'm 16, and I hate the way pot makes me feel, but I'll be FOUR times as likely! Do you know any other ways to increase my chances of getting laid? George, 16, from New Jersey.
Jon: I, I would love to see you host a children's program. There's something about the delicate way that you handled this.
Frank: There's no phone number on here so...
Jon: When I was in high school I used drugs and I never got laid.
Vance: But, but you thought you had 4 times as great a chance while you were on the drugs.
Jon: Actually, that could be the thing.
Frank: And you were a lot funnier because you were doing the cocaine of that boy's butt.
Vance: now you see, this is how rumors get started.
Frank: It's just the Internet.
(Vance laughs)
Jon: I'm sorry, there's no rumors on there. I, uh, other ways to get laid, I guess, uhm...My problem was when the acne cleared up, the back hair came in. (laughter) You know, you're only trapped in that weird netherworld...
Frank: If back hair is you're problem then you're going to the wrong clubs, that's all I can tell ya.
Vance: So is our answer, just give it up?
Jon: Give up sex?
Vance: Yeah, just forget about even trying.
Jon: I think that's worse. Our cat, when we neutered him, oh my God, he's so much happier.
Frank: Does he tear up the couch once in a while or something?
Jon: Sometimes he humps a sweater just for old times' sake.
Frank: Don't we all...(laughter) What do you think will be the hottest fashion trend of the
next millennium?...
Jon: Giant foreheads
Frank: and that's from snyenmnmn (he's trying to sound out one of those interesting email handles!) Giant foreheads?
Jon: Yeah, giant foreheads, but not, I'm talking like medicine ball, giant heads. All the models will have giant, Hindenberg like heads.
Vance: You mean like, like in that Twilight Zone episode, where the aliens came down but didn't speak, but communicated mentally?
Frank: oh this is good...
Jon: Are they paying you for this?
Frank: oh, a little bit (laughter)
Jon: cause you'da left by now (Frank laughs)
Frank: We're gonna do this til we get bored, then we're just gonna stop. What do you think will happen to Dick Clark in the millennium? That's from Lisa Nigbortin...(hushed) she's using her real name...
Jon: Um, My guess is he'll explode at midnight.
Vance: And if he doesn't explode, I predict that after the year 2000, he's gonna start regressing.
Jon: What if the computer in his head, the chip, thinks it's 1900, and he reverts back to hosting Bandstand or something? (laughter) Didn't he host Bandstand then?
Frank: I think that's when it started...it was small at that time.
Vance: I know that that was in the early 1900's, I don't know if it was exactly at the turn of the century but I believe by 1910, he was hosting...
Jon: he was hosting...
Vance: yes.
Jon: I saw him at a party once, he was drinking motor oil...can't be good.
Frank: Maybe that's the secret.
Jon: Motor oil?
Frank: yeah, for him it seems to work. You could moisturize from the inside.
Jon: He's a cyborg.
Frank: Vance, why don't you ever smile or show emotions? Amee25 (I think) would like to know.
Jon: Aww, that's from your Mom. (lots of laughter) And there's one from my dad, why did you fail me?! (laughter)
Frank: That's coming...
Vance: Why don't I ever smile or show emotion.
Frank: That what Amee25 would like to know.
Vance: Amee25...well, it's out of respect to, to Jon, to the show, to yourself, to the audience. I take it very serious, as you know.
Jon: I can't tell you how many times, after a show, I'll cradle Vance in my arms, and he'll just open up to me, and sometimes weep. Vance was a Marine you know.
Frank: We're you?
Vance: Sure.
Jon: (To Frank) Look at how horny you just got. (laughter) Isn't that weird? I said the word Marine and you face literally lit up. (lots of laughter all around) It's like you go home and watch Stripes or something. Jesus.
Frank: It's chocolate desserts - Marines.
Jon: God, if a Marine ever popped out of a tiramasu, you'd explode. (laughter)
Frank: I can't focus now...What event before your time would you most like to have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul, who will not be changing her name if she gets married...she'll hyphenate it.
Jon: Say that again.  
Frank: What event before your time would you most like to have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul would like to know.  
Jon: I'd like to see Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, when they are having sex. (laughter) Oh, oh I was alive then. (to Vance) You got anything? We probably should go with something historical. +
Vance: Yeah, lets go with a historical thing.  
Jon and Vance (in unison): Uh...
Vance: Um, that's it.
Jon: Were just go with Samson having sex with Delilah. Wanna go with that one?
Vance: Yeah, yeah, lets go with that.
Jon: I would most like to be around in the times of mythology. You know, in the time when like, Zeus turned into a cow, and had sex with a girl, and she flew out of his head and that's why it rains.  (laughter)  
Vance: Those were the days, huh?
Jon: Those were the days.
Frank: I think I'd go with when Liberacci decorated his living room for the first time.
Jon: If nothing else you're consistent.
Frank: I'm consistent. What have we learned tonight? Liberacci, Marines, and chocolate desserts. (laughter) Okay...
Jon: You're literally becoming two-dimensional right before our eyes.  
Vance: I have to ask you a question Frank.
Frank: Yeah?
Vance: If you're the webmaster here...
Jon: Are you the webmaster? That is not a title that is easily thrown around.  
Vance: I assume he's the webmaster.
Frank: I, I guess so...
Jon: I think you're the proctor.  
Vance: Well, then I misspoke. Well, this seems to be somewhat historic, and um, are we making these jerky motions, or is this streaming video like it looks like we're actually doing this?
Frank: I think the people that are watching are going to be making the jerky motions. (laughter) Having been on the Internet a few times myself...Okay.
Jon: That is one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard.
Frank: Don't picture it, you'll hurt yourself. Whose ass do you plan to kiss the most in the new millennium, spelt wrong, and why? Amy asks...there are two n's in millennium okay?
Vance: I've got to say President Gary Bauer.  
Jon: The new millennium though, will have no ass kissing. Y2K is going to destroy this country to an extent...can I tell you whats gonna happen?
Frank: Yes.
Jon: At midnight on December 31, the country's going to revert back, because of the computers, to the way we lived in 1980. It is gonna be horrific.
Frank: Then I have the clothes and shoes, I'm so happy.
Jon: Isn't it weird that people panic about that though? I mean, you were alive in 80 when we didn't have computers, it was no big deal. It's not like we have to boil old people for soap.  (laughter) Vance: Well, maybe not your family, you had money. (Jon laughs)
Jon: Yeah, but it's like, so you'll have to play Pong, what's the big deal?  
Vance: Could you imagine if kids had to revert just to Pong today?  .
Jon: Or LPs.
Vance: Or LPs, oh God forbid.
Jon: So what does that mean, Flock of Seagulls will be big again?
Vance: Very possible
Frank: It'll be like they never left. I still have hair envy when I think of them, I really do.
Jon: Were you like that in High School? What did you dress like in High School? Were you new age?  
Frank: Oh, I did it all, I did glitz, I did new age...
Jon: What was glitz?
Frank: glitz was dressing like Adam Ant.  
Jon: Why didn't my High School pick up on that. We thought we were from Alabama. Lynard Skynard and the Outlaws. And people would be like, you live between Philadelphia and New York... Frank: Yeah, your people at your school were beating me up, basically.
Jon: Oh yeah, I remember the field trips, we would camp out. We all had to get permission slips. (laughter)
Frank: Yeah, and parents signed for that. What are your feelings toward your largest fan club on the net, the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade (JSEB), and it it's wonderful (Frank mispronounces) memers... members? How do you feel about the mumers? And that is from JCReporter
Jon: I'm thrilled. The "mumers" are wonderful. I'm excited about it. It's funny, we used to call my uncles "the estrogen brigade" I'm just thrilled to death. I just wish I understood how they did it. It's like, kids, young-adults, whatever, who know how to make web sites. I'm fascinated by it.
Vance: Is that a volunteer brigade like a volunteer fire-department?
Jon: No, it's a draft thing. Everybody when they hit 18 I think has to go. We're fighting, apparently with one of Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.
Vance: Gotta wonder who's gonna persevere.
Jon: Whoever has the best graphics I guess. The best baud time.
Vance: Well, we can only hope.
 Jon: You're not asking anything...
Frank: No, you can keep going.
Jon: You know what's weird? this is the longest you've ever talked to me. Every time I see you at a party you'll like, talk to me for a little bit...
Frank: But they pay me more for this than they do for the parties.  
Vance: It's like when you were a kid, and you used to watch the old Tonight Show. Didn't you think that Johnny, and Ed, and Doc all hung out after the show? You know go out and...
Jon: Yeah, go out and get plowed and everything. I thought the same thing about the guys in WKRP in Cincinnati. (laughter)
Vance: Well, you know they did it.  
Frank: If you were a prize, lets just stop now, if you were a prize in a box of cereal, what would you be? And this is from ShadaBear.
Jon: Umm...
Frank: Oh, I'm sorry, ShodaBear, not ShadaBear...
Jon: If I were a prize in a box of cereal, I would be the one where you dig through the box and you finally get to it and you go, "A fucking whistle? Oh my God..." (laughter) They said wewere gonna get tattoos!
Frank: How have you dealt with th neetions, nations...how have you...
Vance: I don't believe that we have...
Frank: How have the two of you dealt with the sexual tension between the two of you? Thomas Lee would like to know that.
Vance: I didn't know that we...I don't hold anything back.
Jon: Nope, I don't hold anything back. It's just that...
Vance: The double pictoral thats coming out in next months and, uh, in Playgirl...
Frank: I have the advance actually. (right about here some woman in the audience makes a comment:and you dress alike too)
Jon: I can't believe we're being heckled by the audience. Literally ten people showed up for this thing, and they're giving us s--t.
Vance: Yeah!  
Jon: And here's the sad part - they work here.  
Vance: That really is sad.  
Jon: Vance and I are, are just excited to be together and that's all there is to it...
Frank: I want to know what the gayest moment in the last thousand years was, and you can choose if gay means happy, dot dot dot GAY!. Kevin wants to know that.  
Jon: (To Frank) Well, I'm gonna refer to you, in terms of cronology...
Vance: In the last thousand years...thats a lot of time. I'm gonna have to say... this signing of the Magna Carta?  (laughter)  
Jon: That, that guranteed man's rights...the gayest moment...I'm trying to be real creative, and I can't think of an event, hmm, I don't know.
Frank: I think me at the Tiki room last night...At Walt Disney World, with an 8 year old, that was the gayest moment for me I think.  (Jon and Vance is now laughing hysterically)
Vance: We'll be right back.
Jon: That was hilarious.  
Frank: You think I'm kidding... (Jon and Vance break out in hysterics) Anyway, I would like to know if Jon will be doing any stand-up comedy tours, Meshel352.
Jon: Meshel352, huh... Meshel351, By the way, huge pain in the ass. Yeah, I think I'll be doing some shows.
Frank: That's it?!
Vance: I think you're a bit too modest, where is the tour going to you?
Jon: It's mostly overseas.
Vance: A lot of USO stuff?
Jon: War torn area. I'm huuuuge in Belgium.  
Frank: Everyone's huge in Belgium, what the hell was that? They have nothing. They have french fries and thats it.
Jon: Have you ever been to one of those places in the East Village, they come in a cone. But they really do make a better french fry, I don't know how they do it though...but just think if they were working on guns or computers instead, they would be so far ahead of us.  
Frank: But they still put mayonaisse on it.
Vance: But you know, this would probably be a good time to plug the, uh, the next Daily Show special, live in Gradsnich.  (laughter)
Frank: Okay. Vance, If the power goes out after New Year's Eve, and we don't have any heat, will you come up to Alaska and keep me warm? CharliesAngelX.
Jon: It's Jewel's psyeudonym.  
Vance: Hmm...thats from who?
Frank: CharliesAngelX.
Vance: CharliesAngelX...hmm...
Jon: I would do it.
Vance: Yeah, you know what? I would say yes. I've never been to Alaska. You know what? If you guys can find a story, and kind of oddball story...
Jon: You know what, I've been there, and I uh, I had to get insulin for my grandma, and the dogsleds are so damn slow.  
Vance: I'm there, you know, I'm all about helping the old people.
Frank: I've lost control of the show, you realize that? Vance, what was the name of your comedy troupe and can we see some footage? Brooke asks.
Vance: My comedy troupe?
Frank: Yes.
Vance: Um...
Jon: Mixed Nuts and the footage of their beginning.  (laughter)
Vance: I, I really didn't have a comedy troup, I was part of...
Jon: he was in a band.
Vance: yeah, I was in a band called The Cold in New Orleans...
Frank: I think I got this wrong. What was the name of your band and can we see some footage...or, can we see a video, Brooke would like to know.
Vance: Now, now wait a minute, you're lying about one of those questions, and I wanna know which.
Frank: There is a Cold question here, from someone new.
Vance: I think they're talking about Mr. Bill.
Frank: Mhhmm.
Vance: I used to do the Mr. Bill Show a long time ago. But...
Jon: Before it was clay. (laughter)
Frank: Vance, this is for real, Vance what's the word on a reunion for The Cold?  
Jon: They just did one!
Frank: Richard Xavier.
Jon: They just did one!
Frank: Richard, you blew it.  
Vance: Alright, yeah, you know what? We just did a reunion on New Orleans over the Thanksgiving holidays. I was down in New Orleans and we played at a club called The Howling Wolf. And it was packed and we had a great time. We released a live cd that's available online.  
Frank: Can you download it right now?  
Vance: I don't know.  
Frank: Jon, is a pulley systen required in your hair maintenance procedure? Lizamart
Jon: Now you're just trying to hurt me.
Frank: No, actually Liz is is trying to do that.  
Jon: I don't understand how a pulley would work. It's just a team of Ompa Lumpas with a razor, that's just what it is. (laughter) I don't know how pulleys would help.
Frank: teasing comb and a little hairspray, that's all.  
Vance: I just saw that movie for the first time last week.
Jon: Are you serious?
Vance: For the first time.  
Jon: Had you no childhood?
Vance: You know, its...
Jon: Isn't that a great movie?
Vance: Yeah, it is. You know, I always thought, eh, I'll get around to it. I never did, and my girlfriend said, "you have to watch this." And she went out and rented it.
Jon: Oh and the Ompa Lumpas, they steal the show. It's a tremendous movie. (I can't tell what's being said here, my apologies, Real Player sucks)
Frank: Raging Bull no, Willy Wonka, yes. (laughter) Um, Vance, How do you keep your skin so sliky smooth? PikaPika wants to know. (a long silence)
Frank: Answer fast we have more questions to go.
Vance: You know what, its all just living right I think. And not smiling and showing emotion, I think.  Jon: I also want to point out that he's 24,[Vance was really 45 when he did this webcast]  so it's not that great.  
Frank: Jon, my wife spends late nights on the internet. Though she insists that there's nothing to worry about, she recently hooked up a video camera and microphone to her computer.Should I be concerned? Hot69's husband. (lots of laughter)
Vance: Hot69's husband...
Frank: Hot69's husband...
Jon: No, what he should do is, let me know what their website is, let me check it out for him, and just see if there's anything to be concerned about. I'm sure someone named Hot69 is up to purely educational stuff. I don't think there's anything to worry about though.
Frank: Will I have to go to school after the New Year? Trishana wants to know.
Jon: My guess is, well, it all depends. If it's survival school then...uh, you know I've had a full day of work right? I can't be expected to be funny 24 hours a day, I'm not a monkey.  
Frank: I have a monkey question, we'll get to that soon.
Vance: I actually have a serious answer for that. I believe that school as we know it will no longer exist, and it'll only be community colleges. That's just my view on that.  
Jon: That's an excellent idea. You know what else I'm hoping for? You know, they get the little futuristic pill, and then you rub the thing and it gives you an orgasm?  
Frank: Work's for me. Works for me right now actually.
Vance: Are you talking about the orgasmatron, is that it?
Frank: Yeah, which is todays mouse now  I believe. Anyway. Hi, I am going to turn 21,. this is not a question from me, I am going to turn 21 years old on February 23rd.  
Jon: Congratulations and Happy Birthday by the way...
Frank: Yes, thats from Kathy...and I would consider it a personal favor and my birthday wish if you would do a table dance for me at my birthday party in Bloomington, Indiana.
Jon: You know whats weird about that? On the 23rd I'm already booked stripping at another party. You know I do this fireman thing, and...
Frank: I've seen the fireman thing and its worth the 25 dollars.  
Jon: Its at the daughters of the American Revolution party.
Vance: Yeah, but it's sexy and sensible at the same time.  (And now a question from the jesb's ex-President, Miss Rebecca!)
Frank: If you could be a pokemon character, which would you be and why? JonsKitchenBch (Frank pronounces it Jon's Kitchen Beach, although it should be Jon's Kitchen Bitch...don't they remember the summer spectacular?!)  
Jon: I'd be the character that tells all the other characters he's just out for their money. My brother has to do all that. He;s got, what do you call 'em? Kids. You know, those little people?
Frank: Yeah. Not the Ompa Lumpas...
Jon: No, the real ones. They're crazy for it. And you know what else? They like the singing Elmo. My brother had to go in one night and cut out the heart of the singing Elmo so it'd stop singing. It's cute, you know, for a little bit. 4 in the morning (He starts to sing) Sunny Days, (laughter) sweeping the...
Frank: Well, the next question asks will you sing for us like in Elmopalooza?  
Vance: Well, you just did.
Jon: Sunny Days...
Frank: Alright, we heard that. What's the funniest gag...
Jon: (starts singing random song lyrics) ...sorry. Clang Clang Clang with the Trolley...
Frank: What's the funniest gag you couldn't take to the air? Christian O'Connell wants to know.
Vance: Oh, I think we both know that. Unfortunately this is the internet and we can't even take it here. (awww from the audience) I really can't comment on it.  
Frank: Okay, last question. Say tomorrow is Armaggedon. No not the movie with Bruce Willis. What are you going to do, and with whom, and why? Jeanine Otten wants to know.  
Jon: For the past 8 years in preparation, I have been drinking not only my urine, but sort of a Whitman's Sampler of urines from around the world. And I've come across some of, Swedishurine and not only is it pure, but it works on making your hair blonde.  
Vance: But you should clarify that for anybody at home, that it's filtered.  
Jon: Really, um, I don't have the filter.
Frank: You need a Brita, you can pour it through.
Jon: Can I tell you this though?  
Frank: What?
Jon: Chilled (rolls eyes up)
Frank: Heaven. Heaven! We heard it here
Jon: It's like kettle wine.  
Frank: I'm guessing Boone's Fram Apple wine actually.  
Jon: Yeah, are you doing something for Armageddon, or are we out of time?
Frank: Yeah, we're almost done. Well, on that lovely, lovely, biologically sound note, we have to say goodbye. So you can go to Amazon or whatever and begin your financial ruin.
Jon: I love the fact that you think people are still watching. (laughter)
Frank: I need to believe that, I need it.  
Vance: But it was lovely visiting with you Frank.
Frank: Thank you. Thanks for being on my show!
Jon: You're a good man. Frankie DeCaro! (clapping) END