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Ellen
DeGeneres' Family Speaks Out [Vance's parts are in purple]
April 30, 1997
DIANE SAWYER
Good evening. The "Ellen" episode has run. The drum beat of attention will soon end. But in homes all around the country, the drama will continue because every day, another boy or girl realizes he or she is gay and must decide whether or not to tell their parents. For some teenagers, it is a moment of life - threatening dread and despair. In our interview last week, Ellen DeGeneres said, "At least when you're black, your parents are saying we're all in this together. When you are gay, your parents are saying how did this happen? You are a minority in your own family." Tonight, a gay daughter and her anxious parents -- one family's story.
ELLEN DEGENERES, ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN
We were walking along the beach and -- with our pants rolled up and
barefoot, and the water was coming in.
BETTY DEGENERES, ELLEN'S MOTHER
On the beach in Pass Christian, Mississippi, at my sister's house.
ELLEN DEGENERES
I said, "I'm in love." And she says, "That's great." And I said,
"It's with a woman."
BETTY DEGENERES
And she said "I'm gay" and started to cry. And we hugged. Maybe I
cried with her.
DIANE SAWYER
(on camera) Do you remember what you asked her? Anything you asked
her?
BETTY DEGENERES
Probably, "Are you sure, or how do you know, or when did it happen?"
DIANE SAWYER
Had you suspected she was gay?
BETTY DEGENERES
No, no. No. She had boyfriends in high school. She had a promise
ring from somebody that was a little tiny, tiny, tiny little diamond.
DIANE SAWYER
And you weren't horrified at all?
BETTY DEGENERES
No, I wasn't horrified. Worried. Worried.
ELLEN DEGENERES
The most ironic thing about this is that her whole fear was, "Who's
going to take care of you?" You're not going to meet a man, and
you're not -- who's going to take care of you?
BETTY DEGENERES
I was from that school where you grew up, you got married, you had a
husband and he took care of things. We stayed out there a while, and
then we went back because all the family was there. And that's the
way I remember it.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) Betty DeGeneres says she never argued with her daughter but did
keep thinking, hoping, perhaps she would change.
ELLEN DEGENERES
At times when I would have problems in relationships, she would say,
"Now, you see, why don't you just, you know, give this up and meet a
nice boy and, you know, why don't you just --" She really just kept
thinking it was a phase.
BETTY DEGENERES
Well, it certainly would have been easier on her if it had been.
This is not an easy thing. It's not an easy way of life, but it's
who she is.
ELLEN DEGENERES
She never has understood it. And I don't think she understands it
now. But she loves me, and she sees how happy I am.
BETTY DEGENERES
I don't guess I need to get on a soapbox here about people who say
it's a choice or this or that or it's wrong. It's who she is. And
it's who so many people in this world are who are creative and
productive and wonderful, wonderful contributing members of society.
DIANE SAWYER
(on camera) Why are you so sure this is not a choice?
BETTY DEGENERES
Oh, because I know Ellen. I know my daughter. And she has even said
if it were a choice, she'd be with a man. It'd be so much easier.
But life isn't easy, and she's doing the very best she can. That's
it.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) They are a couple of improbable pioneers -- this mother, this
daughter. That's Betty DeGeneres making one of her cameo appearances
in a promo for the sitcom.
BETTY DEGENERES
You know Elvis bought his mom a car? She didn't even do a promo for
him.
ELLEN DEGENERES
All right. I'll buy you a car.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) And she was there tonight, too, at the central moment in the
hour.
ELLEN DEGENERES ("ELLEN")
I'm so afraid to tell people. I mean, I'm just -- Susan, I'm gay.
(Applause)
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) She was always a middle American mom who would take pride that
her daughter would grow up to become one of the cleanest acts in
comedy. In fact, DeGeneres had her breakthrough appearance on "The
Tonight Show" with a tender, funny telephone conversation with God.
ELLEN DEGENERES ("THE TONIGHT SHOW")
Just pick up the phone and call up God. Listen, if you weren't too
busy -- sure, I'll hold on.
(Laughter)
Somebody's at the gate.
(Laughter)
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) And now, DeGeneres is a target of an inflamed religious right.
The day of our interview, on the back page of Variety, an ad signed
by people like Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schlafley.
(on camera) They say it's a slap in the face to America's families.
BETTY DEGENERES
I'd like to know how many people in that list have relatives in their
own families who are gay. You know, Ellen is such a good person.
Now I don't want to get weepy, I don't. But she's so good that she
shouldn't have all this directed at her.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) A good person. Even a good little baby, her mother says.
Though the parents would later divorce, the little girl was happy,
loving dresses, dolls and her older brother, Vance, who treated her
like a pest. Vance, who's now a writer on his sister's show, joined
his mother for part of the interview. His sister says she remembers
the moment she told him, too.
(on camera) Was he surprised?
ELLEN DEGENERES
I don't know if -- yeah. I guess. Yeah, he was a little ashamed
about it, I think.
VANCE DEGENERES, ELLEN'S BROTHER
I -- I can't imagine that I was ashamed. Do you remember me having a
problem with this?
BETTY DEGENERES
No.
VANCE DEGENERES
Please bail me out here. If that's true, she should, you know -- she
should hit me with a 2x4 or something for that. She gets a free shot
for that.
BETTY DEGENERES
One free shot.
VANCE DEGENERES
Yeah.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) Next week, the show has an episode in which the TV Ellen tells
her divorcing parents.
ACTRESS ("ELLEN")
Honey, you know, just because you haven't found the right man doesn't
mean you're gay. I mean, you're just very choosy, and there's
nothing wrong with being choosy.
ELLEN DEGENERES ("ELLEN")
I'm not attracted to any men.
ACTRESS
Now, that's too choosy.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) Some of it seems rooted in memory.
VANCE DEGENERES
The DeGeneres' just were not big talkers in the house. You didn't
talk about things.
BETTY DEGENERES
If it wasn't pleasant.
VANCE DEGENERES
Well, even if it was pleasant.
BETTY DEGENERES
Oh, really?
VANCE DEGENERES
Oh, we didn't talk about stuff, no.
ELLEN DEGENERES ("ELLEN")
You know, you always wanted me to be open and honest with you.
ACTRESS ("ELLEN")
Oh, no, honey, that's what you wanted.
(Laughter)
We were always very happy keeping our feelings bottled up.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) So the real - life brother and sister with similar senses of
humor resorted to jokes.
ELLEN DEGENERES
I think we dated a couple of the same girls. It was like -- that was
a weird thing. He didn't like that.
VANCE DEGENERES
I think we did actually date a couple of the same people, as odd as
that sounds. And it sounds odd, I agree. But you know, New Orleans
is a small town. You know, what is it, 800, 900 people or something?
So you're bound to date the same people anyway.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) And there's one more family member not heard from. Those of
you who watched us last week may remember that it was still difficult
for Ellen DeGeneres to speak about what happened 20 years ago when
she told her father and his new wife her secret, and their reaction
was ...
ELLEN DEGENERES
The woman he's married to had two daughters, and they asked me to
move out of the house after that and -- I mean, they just thought it
would be better for me to, you know, live somewhere else. And I've
never really, like, acknowledged that, but it was -- that was bad
because they loved me, and I loved them. And they didn't want me in
the house.
ELLIOT DEGENERES, ELLEN'S FATHER
If I did, I think I was wrong. Just that simple.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) This is her father, Elliot DeGeneres. He says he doesn't
remember the details but does remember the family turmoil about his
daughter in their house.
ELLIOT DEGENERES
It was our perception, my wife's and my perception at the time, I
guess, that they didn't think that was a good idea.
DIANE SAWYER
(on camera) And what did she say? What did -- what kind of concern
did she express?
ELLIOT DEGENERES
Well, just the fact of Ellen's situation and some girl activity.
That sort of thing.
DIANE SAWYER
Would you want your father to apologize?
ELLEN DEGENERES
No. I think they'll be shocked that I actually said this, and
they'll probably be somewhat embarrassed by it. And I don't mean to
embarrass them. I'm not saying it to embarrass them. Because my dad
does love me. And my stepmother is a huge fan, and that was their
ignorance, you know? They just didn't know.
ELLIOT DEGENERES
Was it ignorance? I don't know. I never really studied it or read
about it or thought about it. I guess when you don't have all the
facts in anything, that's a factor of some ignorance, I guess.
DIANE SAWYER
DeGeneres has told us that she's talked to so many gay people who
were treated with real rejection and abuse by their parents. She
knows she's one of the lucky ones. More about her life today in a
moment.
(Commercial Break)
DIANE SAWYER
Next week, when all the headlines about the "Ellen" episode finally
recede, a real woman will still be living with the consequences of
her decision. She has said she had to take the risks. That this was
not a decision about TV programming, but about being honest and
unafraid in your life. So we asked more about her offscreen life.
(on camera) Are you in a relationship now?
ELLEN DEGENERES
Mm - hmm. Yeah. Very happy.
DIANE SAWYER
Forever maybe?
ELLEN DEGENERES
I think it's forever, yeah. Yeah. That's a good feeling. That's --
it's the first time I've ever, ever felt like forever.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) This weekend at a black tie dinner in Washington, she appeared
with actress Anne Heche, who says whatever the career risk, the truth
matters more. There's even a ring.
(on camera) Has there been a ceremony?
ELLEN DEGENERES
No, no. No ceremony. No. Just a commitment.
DIANE SAWYER
What do you look for in a woman?
ELLEN DEGENERES
The same things anybody looks for in anything. I mean, whatever -- I
think intelligence, a sense of humor, a sense of fun, someone who's
very strong and independent and, you know, just somebody that you
totally get and gets you.
DIANE SAWYER
Do you want children?
ELLEN DEGENERES
Do I want children?
DIANE SAWYER
Mm - hmm.
ELLEN DEGENERES
I would love to have children. I don't want to have them. I don't
want to have that thing inside of me and come out.
DIANE SAWYER
You should write science textbooks.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Yeah.
BETTY DEGENERES
I'd be the best grandmother. Yes.
DIANE SAWYER
And how do you feel about marriage for her?
BETTY DEGENERES
Why feel so threatened by it, and people who are in loving
relationships that go on for 25, 30 years and yet they have no legal
recourse if one of them's deathly ill in the hospital. You know, if
the world doesn't want to call it marriage, let them call it a legal
commitment. But it should happen.
DIANE SAWYER
Will you campaign for it?
ELLEN DEGENERES
I'm not -- I don't -- I don't know, I mean, I'm not going to say no
to anything. But I don't see myself campaigning for anything. I
would like to -- my opinion is if somebody's asking me, yes, that it
should be legal. But I'm not going to -- I don't want to be some
political activist.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) Even without the politics, she knows there's a risk.
ELLEN DEGENERES
I didn't have much money growing up. And I'll be fine if I don't
have a lot of money after this. I like nice things. I love my
house, and it's -- but it's not what life is about.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) And so it's done. Another television milestone as television
continues to mirror changes in American life. At home tonight
somewhere, a real son or daughter will probably say the same words to
real parents who will grapple with what to do.
BETTY DEGENERES
They may be shocked. They may be surprised, hurt. I don't know what
emotions different people go through, but they should certainly be
supportive. It's a struggle for the person going through it.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) And Elliot DeGeneres says you don't want to have to look back
years later and realize that you hurt someone you cared for so.
(on camera) Have you changed today about this issue?
ELLIOT DEGENERES
Oh, sure.
DIANE SAWYER
Would you do that?
ELLIOT DEGENERES
Oh, yeah. Because, you see, I love Ellen. She's somebody I've
always loved and I always will, and I love her. I don't have a whole
bunch of great qualities, but one of them is loyalty. And that and
love go together.
DIANE SAWYER
(VO) As for Ellen DeGeneres, she told us if she were phoning God
today, it would simply be to say thanks. And we leave with you what
she told us last week about the small celebration after the taping of
tonight's show.
ELLEN DEGENERES
We celebrated. We screamed and celebrated and cheered. And there's
a line on the show that I say to Oprah, to the therapist, nobody ever
gives you a cake that says, "Good for you, you're gay." They wheeled
out a huge cake that said, "Good for you, you're gay." And gave me a
great picture of Laura Dern and I at the moment that I say I'm gay.
And just felt literally, this -- like I was filled with joy.
DIANE SAWYER
And as we close, we're going to repeat a government statistic that a
gay teenager is some three times as likely to attempt suicide as
another teenager. Ellen DeGeneres has said whatever happens to her,
tonight's broadcast was in part to hold on to them. |
